Welcome to My World

Horizon shakes in my vision—
My steps feel like… responsibility;
The weight of maturity—
It makes me tired and lazy.

All I want to do,
All I need to make me happy,
Are my computer and earbuds.
I can sit here for hours,
Lying and saying that I’m actually trying.

There goes another wasted second.
Adios to my passion for hard things.
Arrivederci to my righteous dreams.
Guilt drips in through the gutters;
I groan and sigh reluctantly.
I should do something productive.

Blare the rap music to drown out real life;
Let the sweat run down my face,
Lift the weights and push the pace,
Aching body and numbed mind—
It makes me feel more worthy.
Make exercise the priority.

I’m always tired and sluggish.
There is no connecting with my characters.
My mind has no emotion for poetry.
Coffee is my elixir of life.
They say “Go to bed earlier!”

But then I find excuses—
Excuses are what push me.
I don’t have time for this,
I don’t want to do that.

Education is a wasted effort.
I’ll never use Algebra again!
When will Chemistry formulas ever be useful?
Learning another language is pointless.
I have no life!
I don’t have enough friends!
Why do I care about being real?

I lay in my bed and stare into darkness.
Today was another failure…
But isn’t every day Yours?
Does that mean You don’t care about my feelings?
That You can’t possibly see all my struggles?

The evidence against my assumptions is clear.
What about Job?
He was compensated for his suffering.
What about Corrie ten Boom?
She saved lives through her secret room.
What about Jesus?
He could see beyond the pain.
What about me?

My complaints and trials are so minuscule.
I’m still alive and I still believe
You are alive and still speak.
We are still one forevermore;
Your Spirit still shocks me to the core.

My monotonous days are only opportunity,
A chance to love others with Your truth.
Please help me to live in your peace,
And to make the most before I leave.

I Know You’re Beautiful

On a cabin bed—
Embraced by odd sheets and coverings;
My back sinking further down and deeper in;
Exhausted from the hours of trying to be someone I’m not,
Of forgetting to be someone I am,
Of guiltily peering at my inner-reflection when I remember
And forgetting again—
That’s when i know You’re beautiful.

The back of my mind wonders,
Or maybe it was added to the memory with time,
If Your arms surround me
Like the blue quilt I lay on.
If my earbuds rocking gently
Are really You whispering.
Or if I listened hard enough
Maybe I would realize that these songs
Were borrowed from the dearest friend You’ve given me.
And i would know You’re beautiful.

Thinking of my friend now,
I remember when we went to the ocean.
I scraped my knee and wanted to go home.
I felt You holding me then too,
But my problems were still significant in that room we shared.
I sank into Your arms, the sheets, when he prayed for me.
And i knew You were beautiful.

In bed, at night, I always feel Your arms.
But only in other beds.
Or on the couch,
Where I read The Praying Life
And learned that not all friendships are healthy—
Especially when you don’t really know the person on the other end.
Or if you don’t yet know yourself.
You knew me. And You were beautiful.

I listened to a song, a different song, the other night.
It reminded me of those songs I listened to in bed
At the cabin—
When I recalibrated,
Felt held,
And regained a sense of me.
My friend said it reminded him of me.
I wrote a poem about it,
But it wasn’t this good.
Now I’m writing
Because even when You’re not at the forefront.
When there are no stars or sunsets, rain or crosses, and i’m not thinking of Your blood…
i know You’re beautiful.

Starving

Flashing cursor centers my vision
Tapping fingers scream frustration
My mind is blank of the life once there,
A shadow of the unknown relayed to me

I feel drained of all the words
Sitting here in midnight hours
Stressing about posts and what I can do more
Where is the raw imagination dump?
I need the tears and goosebumps
The floods when you scramble for a pen to float on
When your life isn’t complete without a page
When your hand isn’t trapped in a cage

Slam my computer shut in rage
There’s more to writing than this!
My self-confidence is on the death bed
Put it to rest and wish it well

Every word is a question mark
Does this even make sense?
Will my failures soon be in past tense?
I’ve done this a million times before!
The words should flow like a river
Now I see a dry creek bed with dead fish
Make stories with botched stitch

Can I live up to my reputation?
Will fatigue prove too powerful a temptation?
If it isn’t the best I’ve ever done,
Then I shouldn’t even try
Will my readers be disenchanted?
This mess is less than what’s demanded

Worst of all of this,
I do not know my true identity
If the words do not come to me,
If my stories are not told,
If the books are not sold,
I’m not really a writer

My name is liar and faker
I can’t say I’m a wordsmith,
All my success is just a big myth
Who am I without my work?
This may seem like a writer’s block,
But my head is on the chopping block

Then comes a voice in a whisper
“Who is sovereign over your life?”
I ignore it and move on with my struggle
“Who owns the feelings you juggle?”
Well me of course

A laugh resounds within my heart
I suddenly feel beyond foolish
“You are not the one who tames the seas”
“You are not the one who answers pleas”
“Why do you try to control what you cannot?”

I soon realized something crucial,
Nothing material is worth my trust
My identity should not rest on something so frail
Writing abilities change and grow,
And my inexperience will always show

He is the same every day
Nothing is really mine, just a gift
I cannot lose what I never had
He will guide my writing and my future
He is the one who loves me no matter what

Girl

What kind of man should I be
To have all of you for me?
To win what I don’t deserve?
To love you with every word I breathe–
To the end of me?
A love that’ll grow this seed,
Instead of controlled by need.
To crave every girl that I see–
And give into all this greed.
Girl.

I’m waiting for you to show.
God, shut me down when I say I know
Who will be with me.
I flirt like I’m sick of life.
I flirt with a brother’s wife, and I. . .
I won’t marry her.
The trouble I am inside.
I’m reading between my mind, the lines,
Girl.

Oh, non-existent to my knowledge future wife,
I’m striving for an image, yours and mine.
Don’t get it’s just reflecting. I’m the bride.
It’s infecting, distracting, but that love’s already mine.
Lord, help me love her like she’s not mine.
All good things come in their time.
A three-day wait till desire dies–
Idolatry; plucked away from the lies.
My acceptance is not defined
By the type of girl I find.
Not the type of man she finds, in me.
Without You, we’re both blind.
Now we see.
So make us just an image of You.
There’s so much more than just my girl.
We’re a reflection of Your Word.
Make me know the real thing,
So the copy I make is as good as it could. . .

Good as it could ever be.
I want all of You for me–
You won what I don’t deserve.
You love me with every word You breathe.
To eternity.
A love that’ll grow this seed.
A love that has filled my need.
To crave more of You, I plead.
I’m giving You all my greed.
Lord.

Help me grasp what You’ve shown.
To never feel I’m alone at all.
You will be with me.
Help me to trust You more.
Give all of myself away.
I hear You call, “Follow me.”
You’re giving me all I need.
Someday, You’ll give me
A girl.

---

---

Paradoxical Love

When we shake our fist at God, He is the one who opens His hand;
When we’re falling without hope, His love is a place we can land;
When we teeter off the edge, He is the one Who grabs our wrist;
When we cry out in anger at the sky, He is the one whose cheek was kissed;
When we flee from hardship and discipline, He is the one on Calvary’s hill;
When we are surrounded by our own sin, His love surrounds us still;
When we hold onto our filth so tight, He is the one burning it to dust;
When we are wallowing in self-pity, He is taking on all that is unjust;
When I know I have failed him again, He is the one still fighting;
When I feel alone in my fight, He is stoking the fire and igniting;
When I don’t trust what He tells me, He is one Who is always;
When I think that time influences my walk, He is patient every day.

---

---

Explode

The weight of the world on my shoulder.
I can’t quite let go,
So I explode.
A bundle of fear,
An anchor of terror.

I don’t trust you,
and that’s my error.
I got to do what gets the job done.
Go. Go. Go.
I’m going crazy–
Driving slow.
I yell, “Don’t stop me”
As I go.

I want to speed up.
Got my world in place.
Got to win this hell-bound race. Oh no!
Getting over my last craze.
Now get out of my way.

I’m king of the world,
Or is the world king of me?
My personal future’s
Shaped from personal history.

I’m going in circles,
But the center is always me.
The radius gets bigger.
I’m pulling the trigger.
I’m shootin’ the email.
I’m texting. No snail mail.
Run. Run. Run.

Got to go.
Don’t have no fun.
Fly. Fly. Fly.

Change the world before you die.
I have my goals and my dreams.
I lose control and I scream.

I scream. I pound the table.
Channel my energy,
When I am able.

Quit all your lethargy.
And fix this whole mess for me.
Here are my dreams,
Make them happen.
I’ve got the spunk and the drive.
I’ll work so hard to keep them alive.
Give me the money and time.
I don’t like risky steps.
I don’t like being next–
And not being first.

I don’t like losing control.
Instead of letting it go,
I explode.
I’m letting it go to you.

Here are my dreams.
You can do anything.
You can take them away.
Cause you’re making me brave.

Here are my hands.
You can unroll my fists.
You can take my first kiss.
You can give me no kids.
You can take it away
Because you’ve given me everything.
Let me see the everything you’ve given me.
Before I explode.

P-trayed

Drip
Drip
On the floor.
I can’t hold on anymore.

My fingertips start to slip.
I’m falling.
The wild wind in my face,
Makes me feel something new.
It might be called freedom;
It might be named truth.

Looking into the mirror
I see my tired eyes.
Why do I try?

You aren’t here to hold me tight.
I’m afraid of the night.
My mind goes places wild,
Blame it on the juvenile.

All those innocent things–
They tear me down or make me king;
Ruler of the world,
Or maybe just my mind.

I do not feel lonely.
I do not feel lovely.
You aren’t here to call me dumb.
I miss you so.
Please come home.

I swear I’ll try.
I probably won’t die.
Maybe.
But you told me to!

Blame it on influence.
Influence is leadership.
You were in control.
Don’t you see the polls?
You were voted into office…
Again.

A dictatorship?
Democracy.
A fascist?
That’s crazy.

No excuse for my abuse.
I apologize until I drop;
You never ask me to stop.

Feeling pain but not worried.
You’re right here with me.
Wait…
You’re not!

Panic rises steadily.
Fling myself across the room,
Across my bed like a princess.
What a mess!

Here come the steady tears.
Can’t say I’m not terrorized,
Always so petrified.

Drip
Drip
Bloody tears.
A shade of crimson for my peers.
A hue of gold for the vanity;
Violet for my reign;
Violent and full of shame.

I’m slipping away on the icy floor,
Harden hearts and Bible lore.
I can’t find a reason to come home.
You are there.

But you’re really not that interesting;
Always with the pestering!
Talking to me about this and that.
I’ll just give you a hard slap.

It might hurt a little bit.
Ignore the blasphemy and spit.
Dig my nails into your skull;
Make the blood run freely.

Try to run away, my boy?
Don’t you know that you’re my toy?
I lift the strings on you;
Take one step forward and back;
Point out everything you lack.

You are a wretched soul.
Fill your stockings with coal.
You aren’t really a good person.
Make sure you get the full immersion.

Baptism you say?
Not likely.
It’s a complete bath;
Don’t ignore my full blown wrath.

Breathing might not be an option.
Death is near you say?
That’s how dearly you will pay.

Get out of my mind!
I do not like when you are here!
Are you not an angel fallen down?
Won’t you lead us through this town?

The town of lies and swindle.
You hop around swift and nimble,
Through society’s trickiest traps.

Compared to your fleetness,
I feel like a fat child.
Inexperienced and mild.

No passion in my big bones.
Hurting me won’t take sticks and stones.
You are the fire in my life.
I like ignoring strife.

Finding myself trapped in work.
In darkness you may lurk,
With a trench coat and sunglasses.
Will you allow me a few classes?

Teach me how to act normal.
Give me lessons in staying alive.
I struggle you know.

You do not need me!
Let me go free.
Don’t you get it son?
You are not the chosen one.
You are not special.
All you do is feed me.
I am the monster inside your heart,
Eating you from the inside out.

It can’t be.
You were my idol!
My golden sun and stolen song!
I worshiped you.

That’s the point, you moronic sheep!
Follow me and you will die.

Then the solution is open wide!
I will stay put where I stand.

But oops, you slipped…

Bruh

Sweat rushing my eyes.
A cat’s got nine lives.
How many have I?
I don’t want to die.
Not even if I tried
To live the perfect life.
Cause there’s no perfect life.
I’m losing what I love
And gaining what I want.
A gain that I don’t know,
But I love you, bro.

There will be a day when I cry
(Though you never heard me do it.)
And I’ll sigh.
And they’ll try
To say that it’s alright.
But you know that it ain’t
Cause you know that I hate
To grow up at this rate.
To not plan my whole fate.
Just to have a clean slate.
The whole world tells me go.
Oh, but I tell it wait.
I think we used to dream.
And yeah, it’s getting late.
I just try not to scream.
As we reach that strange date
When my life starts to change.
Yeah, my childhood deranged.
I hope we’re not estranged
By the noise, bruh.

They say branches go out, yo.
Though they started together.
Then they end all alone.
So it started off better.
I can’t lose hold of home.

So I’m setting out now,
From my hobbit hill.
Not an elf chasing stars though,
Got a dragon to kill.
And this ain’t no will-power.
Got no power to will.

I am only resisting,
Mouth wide open screams still “No!”
They say go.
I say, “Yo,
What you got is a brother.
What you gain’s a degree.”
Terrified to be a lover.
College makes that of me.

But you gotta pay bills, man.
Independence is real sad.
I don’t know what I want now.
Wanna love this girl real bad.
Without money and paychecks,
Got divorces and fams wrecked.
Love is more than just plain sex.
Gotta grow. Be a man. Yep.

Is it you or is it her, bruh?
Is it knowledge I should know?
Is it money or lives formed?
Can I do without it?

You don’t need a degree. No.
I will hold my history, yo.
And my writing is so slow.
It’s the thing people do, so
Gotta do it for real growth.
You know, go with the flow.

Night Visions

My eyelids close with a boom.
I gave up too soon.
The fight was harder
Then I thought it would be.

Now here come my friends
That darkness sends;
Claws and teeth
Swirl around my mind.

I feel their stares
On my naked back.
Curl up smaller;
Can’t stand up taller.

These heavy blankets
Are my shield and fortress.
I’m sweating on purpose.
The heat will fade.

I can hear them crawling,
Underneath my bed.
“Only dust mites,”
Is what Mommy said.

That isn’t just a shadow;
It crept in through the window.
That isn’t just an afterglow;
It’s the ushering in of terror.

All alone and fatigued,
I convulse in fear.
It’s like this every night.
I cannot stop a tear.

It rolls down my cheek,
As I sob and sigh.
Will I really die,
If they get me?

I’m older now,
An independent teen.
What does that mean?
Am I still alone?

My friends have left me.
They don’t creep in the night.
In fact I miss them;
They don’t bite.

As I walk along the road–
The road of this life–
I find a discarded knife,
In my back.

In fact there are many.
Sharp blades make me scream.
I have been betrayed;
I am losing my steam.

Oh dear, oh my,
I am not practically perfect.
I can smell and detect
Another man in my body.

His name is Jekyll.
He looks like my old friends
That darkness sends.
My only friends forever.

Now I just lay,
Fighting off this Jekyll inside.
My name ain’t Hyde;
I am only Alone.

Trying to be cool and normal,
I slowly destroy myself.
Perhaps I need some help
To finally go to sleep.

My mind flies away;
My hopes start to stray.
I fight off the questions I face.
Please don’t go there!

What am I living for?
I feel so alone.
Is there more in store
For my life?

Who really loves me?
My bed starts to creak,
As I toss and turn.
I am so lost.

Jekyll starts to laugh.
He thinks that I can only live,
When I keep everything I can give;
Stay selfish forever.

I can see my window;
I hear the noise.
But what’s my choice?
To live in denial?

Denial of my real desires.
I can’t face them.
They are too horrifying.
The knives I cannot parry.

My friends have left me.
Why did I hate them?
I could not see
The lessons they taught.

Now my thoughts struggle.
Think about your success.
Jekyll wants me to forget
All the pain and stress.

I cannot forget.
I cannot live free.
I lay here awake,
And can only blame me.

Ink-blood

As different as rain and sun.
As similar as a book and the words inside.
As necessary to each other as the day and night,
Yet set apart just as those hours of life.
Let me see sunset and sunrise.
Let me see a pink, burning sun making peace with the night.
Let me see the sun shinning through the clouds, through the rain.
In love.
Let my pen no longer be blocked in inky ice.
Let my fingers no longer shake at the parchment.
Let me write,
And read the story that comes out.
If love is pain, then this is love.
If pain is the tearing of my arms between two poles, then let me be squeezed in the middle and then I will be whole
Because I know my sacrifice has brought my love to life.